I’d not been in a hospital since my first born at the time a good fifteen years and things change, also I never needed a cold cot or had even thought about it. Despite both myself and my son being intensive care after his birth thankfully I didn’t lose him. I just have very fond memories of us being close but me being too weak to pick him up for a while.
The Worst News
I’d carried my son for at least two weeks before I knew he’d passed, you might think that time period is crazy but I was large and the movement was him just moving but clearly not alive. I had gone for a scan which I assumed was normal so hadn’t asked anyone to attend with me. I remember going in to get my scan and the lady asking me to wait a moment. I got rushed through the waiting room of mums, families, and people excited about seeing their babies to a room full of people and me not knowing what was going on.
You’ll have to forgive me, there may be parts I forgot or my mind blocked out trauma can and will do that to you.
I remember someone telling me “sorry, you lost your baby” shock and grief hit straight away, emptiness is like a tunnel it’s dark it makes you feel heavy like a lead weight and time is the only healer. Time, inner peace and learning to live each breath one at a time.
I was and am very very lucky, although Elliot’s father remained so bitter he refused to talk to me after the split I had good, solid friendships so called on one of my two birthing partners and she was there in a flash. I just remember being numb, it felt like an eternity and seconds had gone by all in one day. There are no words for these feelings so I am giving you my best and most frank words.
Trying To Return Home
I initially had to go home but it was apparent I wasn’t well, mentally I was breaking down and hysterical thankfully my other birthing partner insisted they take me back in, the staff at Hull Royal set a suite aside away from others. This wasn’t going to be easy and it most defiantly was just the start of something I had never imagined. The room was huge, a bed, sofas and big adapted bathroom alongside a medical room, the room was state of the art, amazing.
There are moments I remember better than others, I had a hunger and was sneaked in some hot food which I then took several bowls and threw up. The cracking cuppa and food I’d eaten was brought back up and that was the start. The months leading to Elliot being born I’d bought so many beautiful things clothes, blankets, hats and a pretty cardi that boy or girl would suit, I just wanted him to be sent off well.
I couldn’t face seeing Elliot less than perfect and covered my face when I had given birth and I have no idea how Joelene and Theresa coped and hold that memory that I couldn’t bear. Two women who I will always be thankful for and always be in debt too.
Elliot was whipped off, cleaned and brought to me but I couldn’t hold him I was in so much emotional pain. The thought of feeling him next to my skin and his little body in my arms was too much. I know that might sound crazy because why wouldn’t you want to hold your baby. He’d passed and the weight of his body I know I would always feel in my arms and what good would they be if I couldn’t hold him. I’m writing you this with blurred eyes typing and knowing there are mums and dads who’ve felt this and are feeling this. You are all heroes you are all important and I stand with you!
The Cold Cot
The point of my article was and is about the night with Elliot and the cold cot, Elliot laid next to me born sleeping for the night.
He looked angelic, like a beautiful snow baby. My nana had a doll next to her dresser and Elliot looked just like him. Sadly my nana passed two weeks before Elliot so it was odd but also a comfort.
I laid for hours looking at Elliot hoping he’d breathe, of course, I knew in reality that wasn’t going to happen. I kissed him lovely soft cheek and told him all of my plans. I wanted him to hear me so badly, you’ve got no idea how hard this was, his little hand in mine lifeless but so so perfect.
The cot meant I got a little precious time, I got some moments alone to talk to him, to say goodbye on my terms and understand that nature had taken him and there was nothing I could do just like his sister. Eventually, morning came, The nurse arrived and Elliot had to go, the little face, that little baby had to leave me.
The world as I knew it felt over, I just felt stuck, plans changed and I arrived home empty with a house full of baby things to clear. That can be spoken about another time. For now let’s focus on how vitally important how cold cots are and that now parents can take the baby home with them and the great work done at the hospital.
Article by Sydell Brigden